When I was just a young lad, I loved music. More specifically, I loved heavy metal in most of its incarnations. My bedroom walls were adorned with the mini-posters and pages from magazines like Hit Parader, Metal Edge, and Circus. I have no doubt that my apparent fascination with long haired men in make-up, wearing tight pants must have concerned my parents to some degree (I think that is why they surprised me by allowing me to put up posters of various women in bikinis and what-not). I still remember the "day of reckoning" when it came time to move and I had to spackle all the holes!
Like many of my peers, the rebellious nature of the music, the evocative imagery, and the fact that it sounded best at loud volumes were major factors in my love for the stuff. There was something else that really hit me and which made me really want to be a rock star when I grew up (We don't seem to have rock stars anymore, but when we did, it could be argued that none of them ever grew up). It wasn't the fact that they were often linked to the type of women whose pictures hung like sirens on my wall (Although to my teenage brain, that would have been icing n the cake). No, what really hit me was the ability to find my voice in someone else's song lyrics; to be able to feel like a song was written for or about me and to then use that as therapy or as a cry for help (This didn't always work since parents can never seem to understand what their kids favorite bands are saying in their music...this is a repeated phenomenon and probably begs for scientific investigation).
Most of these connections could be found in the shameless "power ballad". I could fill many pages sharing specific examples of songs or lyrics, but I suspect that this would require "express written permission" from the RIAA to do so (They can never seem to understand the power of digital media and communication to actually boost their sales, but that is another topic for the more disgruntled out there...I just don't want to cross their path). More than anything, I wanted to write and sing these songs. I didn't care if anyone had my picture on their wall (Although I had been working on my look" - see below), but I felt a desperate need to connect to other "searchers" out there who needed reassurance or were looking for the words to tease out what they were feeling inside.
Needless to say, I never became a rock star. The closest approximation I ever experienced was during a trip to Mexico in the eighth grade, where I was surprisingly popular; almost alarmingly so - but that is another story as well). This dream fell apart due to a cruel combination of location, social insecurity, and utter lack of anything approaching musical talent. In hindsight, it is probably for the best. I have had the chance to see a large number of my former idols in concert the last several years and let's just say, they generally don't seem to age well (Must be the lack of circulation from the tight spandex...can't imagine what else it could be).
When started writing, almost two years ago, it was mostly to "dare" myself to stop letting life pass me by and to get back into the fray. That worked pretty well and it led me on a voyage of self-discovery that has culminated with me arriving where I am now. In and of itself, that is a good thing. By choosing to share my story and my thoughts, even if it is only with a few people (That I am aware of), I am finally getting my opportunity to connect with people and share a message that means a lot to me and which I believe can help people. While it doesn't have the fame and fortune of rock stardom, it sure works for me. Thank you for your patience in reading me words and for your kind comments and for taking the time to let me know when they made a connection. You make my rock star dreams come true!
